Me, Myself and I

‘No man is an island, that’s true. But the thing is you really can’t depend on others to make you happy.’

I have lost a friend recently or should I say I have lost a friendship, to be more precise. It was sad because it was one of the longest surviving friendships that I have left. We first met when we served in the same air force unit during our National Service and in over two decades, have stayed in touch although we lead very different lives. His is glamorous (he is a successful insurance agent) whereas mine, well, you know what my life as an educator is like.

However, ours wasn’t a friendship in which we shared deep and dark secrets. We met infrequently and there were even periods when we didn’t communicate for months. But when we did get in touch, we could pick up from where we had left off previously. Maybe it was because we had always kept things light.

Anyway, we had a disagreement one day and it was, of all things, related to his work. He was trying to highlight to me some of the benefits of a new insurance policy. I wasn’t convinced and dismissed it as another of his company’s ‘conning’ scheme to squeeze more money out of policy-holders. The matter escalated to some nasty name-calling hurled over a flurry of SMSes on both sides.

He was angry. I was fed-up. And so that was that, the end of a 23-year friendship. It did sadden me but I felt that I didn’t deserve the harsh words flung at me and didn’t see why I had to make the first move. I also realised that maybe the friendship didn’t mean much to both of us since it couldn’t even withstand a quarrel like that. Somehow the older I get, the more I’ve come to realise two things.

1. It’s not worth getting upset when people disappoint you because, more often than not, they don’t give a damn that they are letting you down.

2. It’s pointless to depend on others to make you happy.

It would be far safer and saner for one to be self-sufficient and to be the source of one’s own happiness. Of course, I’m not suggesting that we should stop caring and showing concern towards those around us. In fact, we should continue to do so if we can make them feel good. Just don’t expect or demand that they treat you similarly. Maybe I’ve been disappointed by too many people too often and am seeking comfort in cynicism. Whatever the case, when I look back at my 20s and 30s, it does seem to be one of endless period of seeking approval, striving to be nice and desiring to be loved and liked by the people around me. Sometimes, when the efforts were reciprocated, I would be flying high. But when they weren’t, I would beat myself up over it. What was it about me that they didn’t like? Was I not nice or kind or understanding enough?

For too long, my happiness and sense of worth were tied to things beyond my control – how I was regarded, whether I was being thought about, whether I was considered worthy enough to be considered a friend. I needed approval. My expectations of others were high and as such I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

Just because you want someone’s life to revolve around yours doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants that too. And even if he does, well, people are busy with their own lives, too. You can’t make another person fit your specifications and your demands just so you – and only you – can be happy. And rather than behave in this unreasonable way, isn’t it smarter to be more independent and not having to depend on others for our own happiness?

The problem is – how does one go about making oneself happy? For me, the answer is to be more self-sufficient and the key to that is to respect myself more; to find ways to be at peace with myself and to be contented with who I am and what I have. I also have what I call a ‘happy place’ within myself where I can retreat to, as and when I need to. There are things I’ve learnt to do alone. I’m fine with shopping, watching a movie and even dining at posh restaurants alone. I’ve even travelled solo on overseas tours. I have, in fact, found my happy place which didn’t require anybody except me, myself and I. It felt good.

You too have the ability to be by yourself and yet be happy. Try it and I bet you will discover the ‘you’ that you didn’t even know exist and you might even fall in love with yourself. Hahas………………..........................